Short Rant.

Well a lot has changed since the last time I wrote. The guy from Kansas is no longer. I didn't have to see a psychologist, my recruiter or his higher up wrote a waiver for me and sent me back to MEPS June 9-10. It was there that I met the young gentleman I'm seeing now. We just clicked from the moment we met. I got to see him off to basic on July 15th. It was one of the most emotional days ever. He didn't know I was coming to see him off. His family wasn't there and I couldn't not say good bye to the man who's made me feel beautiful and has treated me as a lady for the past month. Spending the day with him, by his side, watching him swear in and then finally having to say goo- bye to him was one of the most rewarding days ever. I tried not to cry when he left my side and boarded the bus that was to take him to the airport. But that didn't happen. I held them at bay, for the most part, until the bus pulled away and I couldn't see him anymore. I patiently await his letters.

I myself am no longer joining the Air Force. I will not be miserable for four years doing a job that I don't particularly want to do. I didn't go through 4 years of college to get a degree in English just to be a mechanic. My recruiter isn't happy with me, telling me that if I walk away I've wasted military funding, and that I should have thought of all this months ago. Months ago the job I wanted to get was still available to me. Months ago I was disqualified for three things that didn't pertain to the job I wanted. I was told, the second time around at MEPS, that I couldn't get the job I wanted because of my eye sight not being correctable to 20/20 with glasses or contacts. So I went to my eye doctors and got the most recent examination papers from them and tried to hand them into my recruiter to send into the SG to approve. Just to be told, by my recruiter, that I should have had this paperwork with me when I went back to MEPS. That there's nothing that can be done now. I went to PT yesterday and my recruiter wanted me to sign my contract locking me into the mechanic job for 4 years. I told him not today. He asked if I was backing out, and I told him yes. That that wasn't a job I really wanted to do. That my father had done that job when he was in the service and I'm going to take his word over a recruiters about what the job entails. My dad has experience in that job, where as a recruiter he did not. He belittled me. Telling me that if I walk out that he'll tell all the other branches that I'm being traitorous, by not upholding my oath. That he doesn't ever want to see me in that office again and that I will never get a job with the military, especially not in the Air Force. He went on to say that my dad might have had a bad experience in the field he was in, but that it didn't mean I would. That I shouldn't take my dad's word over his. That I can cross train into the job I wanted after a year and a half of working the job they gave me. I told him that I could cross train into the job I wanted only if it was available. Why be miserable for a year a half, try to cross train just to find out that the job you wanted to cross train into isn't available? His answer was simply that intelligence is hard to get into that he told me that from the start. I agreed with him, but I also told him that I did qualify for the intelligence job I wanted to get and the only things keeping me from it were my eyes and him. He told me I have until this upcoming Monday by 4pm to make a decision. And that if my decision is to leave I better have a legitimate reason for walking out and I have to write it out in the office. I walked out of the office and drove the hour back home. Half way home, I got a text from my recruiter telling me that it wasn't my eyes that was keeping me out of the intelligence job, but one of my waivers. The waiver in question shouldn't matter on the job I'm trying to get into. It's going to be the same for all the jobs. I'm done with the lies. I'll be content to sit on the side lines and be part of the silent ranks, standing next to my man and supporting him in all that he has to do for the military. My mind is made up. I'm writing that "legitimate" reason down now. I'm not driving an hour there to write for maybe 15 minutes as to why I'm walking away just to have to drive an hour back. It's not worth my time or my gas.

Sorry It's Been So Long!

So I realize I haven't been on in a really long time. I could blame it on work, but that's only the half truth. I just haven't been in the mood to write. I finally got to MEPS back in April, just to be told that I was disqualified because of not having a waiver for my allergies and for my knee. I also have to go in for psych evaluation because I'm arachnophobic. Still I'm working out and doing my best to keep a positive out look on life. I sent in the first two waivers, now I just have to set up an appointment with the psychologist. After that I hope it's home free for me.

I've met this guy though. He makes me smile just by hearing his voice. Kansas is a far place, but long distance doesn't scare me. We've Skyped and we tend to talk on the phone more than we text, which is a plus. He's in the Air Force himself, and was trying to help answer any questions I had pertaining to the Air Force at first. But things started getting personal and we're just talking as friends now. But he has been deployed. Where to and for how long I haven't a clue. I haven't heard from him in close to a month now. I did, however, paint a portrait of him and I want to send/give it to him. It's hard to believe that he and I have been talking now for almost 3 months. It's been a long time since I've smiled and laughed the way he makes me smile and laugh and I'm not entirely ready to give that up. We're not seeing each other, so I don't expect to be told anything really about his whereabouts or be contacted on a regular basis. I know he's safe and that's all I can ask for.

Hopefully I'll be on here more often. I'm starting up writing my book again. It feels awesome to just feel the urge to write what comes to mind. The characters have been pushed to the back of my mind for a long time now and they are starting to push their way forward with new thoughts and new antics that need to be recorded. They're really coming it life.

Not Good At This

These past three months have been full of ups and downs. Not knowing where my life is going and who's going to be by my side through it all. I lost my best friend because of differences back in October. I don't agree with her choice of things she's been doing and the people she's hanging out with. I tested for my ASVAB test on Halloween and passed, but just barely, for the Air Force. I spent all my free time in November studying to do better for the next test, which I took on the 5th of December. I passed again, but this time with a wonderful score that opened the job field up to me.

These past three months have been hard. I missed him more and more each day that he was overseas, but I feel like he didn't really miss me. He's home now, thank God. I made him a promise, but I couldn't keep it. We're no longer together, and even though we talk from time to time and he says that he loves me still, I couldn't get off of work to welcome him home. It kills me to know that I broke that promise to him. He says he wants to come visit, but I don't know if he will or not. There will always be that special spot in my heart for him.

A Broken Vow

I've broken a promise this day.
You asked me to promise that I
would be there, with a smile,
a hug and kiss for the one I love.
For the one I miss.
I promised to be there when you came home.
To be there when you got off that bus.
To be the first person you laid eyes on again...
after seven long months.
My heart is heavy for I long to be with you.
To be there standing out in the cold waiting for you.
Waiting to feel your arms embrace me, your lips meeting mine.
But I am here and not there because you are no longer mine.
I loved you then. I love you still, and I know that I forever will.
You let me go, no reason why. You broke my heart and for a month I cried.
I missed you then, when you left my side,
boarding that plane with a tear in our eyes.
I missed you then and often wondered and worried.
I miss you now, and you need to know,
I never meant to break that vow.

~ Felicia M. Weitoish 12/8/12

Training Has Begun

It's taken me awhile to finally start getting back into shape. I know I have to be in tip top condition for the military and I've been putting it off for some time. But it's always better late than never. I ran a 5K in 30 mins. today and it's been about 2 months since I last ran. I have to admit that it hurt the first mile, but I stopped worrying about the pain and just plugged on. I'm going to be one hurting pup in the morning, but it's going to be well worth it in the end. With a little help from Mapmyrun.com to log my workouts along with help from my friends I'll be able to come out on top. Here's to a better me and a better future. More running and hopefully doing some Zumba tomorrow as well.

Virtute Alisque (On wings with Courage)

Virtute Alisque (On wings with Courage)

I feel like I should hate you just as much as I did everyone else,
but I can't bring myself to do so.
I've made myself sick, literally,
trying to forget you and the pain,
and yet I can't seem to shake you.
You are a poison within my blood,
a drug more potent than love,
burning me alive.
We’re bad for each other,
yet good for no one else.
I’ll never be good enough to be someone’s someone
as long as the heat within me continues to engulf all common sense and reason,
wringing love from my fettered heart.
Ease the pain, and let me let go.
Stop coming back to me looking for more
when I have nothing more to give. I gave you my heart, body and soul,
but that wasn’t good enough for you.
You didn’t trust me the way that I trusted you.
You didn’t believe in me the way that I needed you to,
the way you said you did.
Everything was a lie. And I believed you.
I want to hate you, but in reality,
I still miss you, I still love you, and I still need you.
I need to let you go, I need to be set free, but most of all
I need you to let me be.

I’m tired of holding on, knowing I’m second best.
I know things haven't always been the greatest,
but I do know that things are looking up.
You might have put me down,
but I have the courage, the strength, and the will power
to get back up and fight on.
Life is good. Virtute Alisque.
On wings with courage I will fly higher than I’ve ever imagined.
I have the strength and will power of a proud woman
and I will fight. Fight the poison and the pain,
forgive the lies and forget the hate.
It’s because of you that I am this way.
You are forgiven but not forgotten.
I’ve been fractured but never broken.

Felicia M. Weitoish  9/15/12

Sorry it's been awhile... rant.

Sorry it's been awhile since being on here. I've had a lot going on with work, playing psychiatrist to more than one friend, and talking to recruiters. I'm just about fed up with the recruiter I've been talking to for the Air Force. I first contacted him on the 18th of July and hadn't heard from him or received any of the e-mails he said he was going to send me. So I called him up a month later to see if I could come in and talk to him. He didn't answer his cell phone. So I left a message to have him call me back. Three days later and I still haven't heard from him. I call him up again while on my way to work and he picks up. I asked if there was a possibility that I could come into the office the next day to ask some questions and talk to him. He said that his actual office is in Newark and that he'd be there all week. He asked me for all the information I gave him the first time I called him and the day that we met in the Park City Offices. Name, Age, Height, Weight, Phone number, E-mail address, GPA, What's my degree in and then he asked me if I wanted to enlist or be commission. ... Well when we first spoke you told me that if I wanted to be an officer to continue to talk to you since there were only two recruiters in this office one for enlisting, which was the other guy, or you, the officer's recruiter. That being said, and in my head, I told him commission. He asked what jobs I was looking into. I told him, again, Special Investigations or Intelligence. He then proceeded to tell me that with my GPA I could only be a Pilot. Really? You couldn't have just said that from the beginning instead of asking me what I wanted to do? And this whole time the tone of his voice was very dismissive. As if he had other, more important things to do. He then told me that he'd e-mail me the information I'd need for the AFQOT's. I said okay that I'd be looking for them when I got home from work and that I had to go because I was walking into work. Came home from work and there's no e-mail. It's now been two weeks since I last spoke with him and once again I don't have an e-mail from him, nor have I heard from him. So I'm looking into other branches and looking for another recruiter to speak to from the Air Force. Harrisburg is the next closest so on my next day off that's where I'm headed. I'll kill two birds with one stone. I'll talk to the Air Force guy and then walk int the Coast Guard's office and talk to them. And if I have enough time left on my way home I'll stop in at the Park City offices and walk into the Navy's office. I'm done pussy footing around. It doesn't help that I was talking to my one friend who just finished with his Air Force training last night and he told me that with my GPA I can't be an officer. The only way that I can is if I have good recommendations and I score high on the AFQOT and can prove to the them that I have what it takes to be a leader. So I'm going to study till I'm blue in the face to pass this test with flying colors.
As for work, both jobs are cutting back my hours, which isn't good. I'm not a huge fan of driving 30min to come into work to only work for three hours. It's a good thing that I have two jobs and that they're in the same building. Because working three hours at one place and then having to drive to another place to work five hours just wouldn't cut it.