Not Good At This

These past three months have been full of ups and downs. Not knowing where my life is going and who's going to be by my side through it all. I lost my best friend because of differences back in October. I don't agree with her choice of things she's been doing and the people she's hanging out with. I tested for my ASVAB test on Halloween and passed, but just barely, for the Air Force. I spent all my free time in November studying to do better for the next test, which I took on the 5th of December. I passed again, but this time with a wonderful score that opened the job field up to me.

These past three months have been hard. I missed him more and more each day that he was overseas, but I feel like he didn't really miss me. He's home now, thank God. I made him a promise, but I couldn't keep it. We're no longer together, and even though we talk from time to time and he says that he loves me still, I couldn't get off of work to welcome him home. It kills me to know that I broke that promise to him. He says he wants to come visit, but I don't know if he will or not. There will always be that special spot in my heart for him.

A Broken Vow

I've broken a promise this day.
You asked me to promise that I
would be there, with a smile,
a hug and kiss for the one I love.
For the one I miss.
I promised to be there when you came home.
To be there when you got off that bus.
To be the first person you laid eyes on again...
after seven long months.
My heart is heavy for I long to be with you.
To be there standing out in the cold waiting for you.
Waiting to feel your arms embrace me, your lips meeting mine.
But I am here and not there because you are no longer mine.
I loved you then. I love you still, and I know that I forever will.
You let me go, no reason why. You broke my heart and for a month I cried.
I missed you then, when you left my side,
boarding that plane with a tear in our eyes.
I missed you then and often wondered and worried.
I miss you now, and you need to know,
I never meant to break that vow.

~ Felicia M. Weitoish 12/8/12

Training Has Begun

It's taken me awhile to finally start getting back into shape. I know I have to be in tip top condition for the military and I've been putting it off for some time. But it's always better late than never. I ran a 5K in 30 mins. today and it's been about 2 months since I last ran. I have to admit that it hurt the first mile, but I stopped worrying about the pain and just plugged on. I'm going to be one hurting pup in the morning, but it's going to be well worth it in the end. With a little help from Mapmyrun.com to log my workouts along with help from my friends I'll be able to come out on top. Here's to a better me and a better future. More running and hopefully doing some Zumba tomorrow as well.

Virtute Alisque (On wings with Courage)

Virtute Alisque (On wings with Courage)

I feel like I should hate you just as much as I did everyone else,
but I can't bring myself to do so.
I've made myself sick, literally,
trying to forget you and the pain,
and yet I can't seem to shake you.
You are a poison within my blood,
a drug more potent than love,
burning me alive.
We’re bad for each other,
yet good for no one else.
I’ll never be good enough to be someone’s someone
as long as the heat within me continues to engulf all common sense and reason,
wringing love from my fettered heart.
Ease the pain, and let me let go.
Stop coming back to me looking for more
when I have nothing more to give. I gave you my heart, body and soul,
but that wasn’t good enough for you.
You didn’t trust me the way that I trusted you.
You didn’t believe in me the way that I needed you to,
the way you said you did.
Everything was a lie. And I believed you.
I want to hate you, but in reality,
I still miss you, I still love you, and I still need you.
I need to let you go, I need to be set free, but most of all
I need you to let me be.

I’m tired of holding on, knowing I’m second best.
I know things haven't always been the greatest,
but I do know that things are looking up.
You might have put me down,
but I have the courage, the strength, and the will power
to get back up and fight on.
Life is good. Virtute Alisque.
On wings with courage I will fly higher than I’ve ever imagined.
I have the strength and will power of a proud woman
and I will fight. Fight the poison and the pain,
forgive the lies and forget the hate.
It’s because of you that I am this way.
You are forgiven but not forgotten.
I’ve been fractured but never broken.

Felicia M. Weitoish  9/15/12

Sorry it's been awhile... rant.

Sorry it's been awhile since being on here. I've had a lot going on with work, playing psychiatrist to more than one friend, and talking to recruiters. I'm just about fed up with the recruiter I've been talking to for the Air Force. I first contacted him on the 18th of July and hadn't heard from him or received any of the e-mails he said he was going to send me. So I called him up a month later to see if I could come in and talk to him. He didn't answer his cell phone. So I left a message to have him call me back. Three days later and I still haven't heard from him. I call him up again while on my way to work and he picks up. I asked if there was a possibility that I could come into the office the next day to ask some questions and talk to him. He said that his actual office is in Newark and that he'd be there all week. He asked me for all the information I gave him the first time I called him and the day that we met in the Park City Offices. Name, Age, Height, Weight, Phone number, E-mail address, GPA, What's my degree in and then he asked me if I wanted to enlist or be commission. ... Well when we first spoke you told me that if I wanted to be an officer to continue to talk to you since there were only two recruiters in this office one for enlisting, which was the other guy, or you, the officer's recruiter. That being said, and in my head, I told him commission. He asked what jobs I was looking into. I told him, again, Special Investigations or Intelligence. He then proceeded to tell me that with my GPA I could only be a Pilot. Really? You couldn't have just said that from the beginning instead of asking me what I wanted to do? And this whole time the tone of his voice was very dismissive. As if he had other, more important things to do. He then told me that he'd e-mail me the information I'd need for the AFQOT's. I said okay that I'd be looking for them when I got home from work and that I had to go because I was walking into work. Came home from work and there's no e-mail. It's now been two weeks since I last spoke with him and once again I don't have an e-mail from him, nor have I heard from him. So I'm looking into other branches and looking for another recruiter to speak to from the Air Force. Harrisburg is the next closest so on my next day off that's where I'm headed. I'll kill two birds with one stone. I'll talk to the Air Force guy and then walk int the Coast Guard's office and talk to them. And if I have enough time left on my way home I'll stop in at the Park City offices and walk into the Navy's office. I'm done pussy footing around. It doesn't help that I was talking to my one friend who just finished with his Air Force training last night and he told me that with my GPA I can't be an officer. The only way that I can is if I have good recommendations and I score high on the AFQOT and can prove to the them that I have what it takes to be a leader. So I'm going to study till I'm blue in the face to pass this test with flying colors.
As for work, both jobs are cutting back my hours, which isn't good. I'm not a huge fan of driving 30min to come into work to only work for three hours. It's a good thing that I have two jobs and that they're in the same building. Because working three hours at one place and then having to drive to another place to work five hours just wouldn't cut it.

OBX

Well I'm back. The week at the OBX was amazing. The people I got to spend the week with were a great bunch of people. I met a 5 really nice people and I can't wait to do this again. The first day was one of the worst days though for the ocean. The waves knocked the crap out of me and I couldn't stand without the undertow taking me a good way down the beach. The next day wasn't much better. I even got 6 miles of running in on the beach. There were little to no sea shells and made running better/easier on my feet. The third day though was the best. The water was calm and I got to actually get in to the water. Unfortunately, because of this wonderful calm in the water I got burnt to a nicely cooked lobster. Sleeping became impossible and thus fell asleep in a sitting position in a lawn chair on one of the 3 decks of the house the next day. Dearest Jared and Logan decided to make fun of me and make a video of it. If I can I'll get a hold of it and keep it. Just because it's funny to watch. I can actually say that I'm happy that the AC broke in the downstairs area and that I had a room with 3 extra beds. Those two made my living quarters really interesting. Especially when the three of us started to drink. Camels came up in the conversations and I'm not entirely sure how or why. But laughter and late nights were definitely a must with those two. Hell I'd just go out to the beach again or anywhere with those two characters. They are so funny and had me rolling on the floor with side stitches. By the last day of the vacation I can honestly say that I was ready to come home, but I knew that I was going to miss being with everyone. Here's to the good times and many more to come with friends and family. I'm not sure when I'll be able to take another vacation with these people because of joining the Air Force, but I know that when I can I will. Once I get pictures I'll load them. My camera died and I have to wait on everyone else to get my pictures now :/

OBX 2012

It's been awhile since I last posted, but today starts one of the best days of the year. I'm finally heading to vacation in the Outer Banks with a bunch of family/friends. We embark upon our journey at 4.30am so I should probably try to get some sleep considering I will be one of the many people driving. I've got my books and my music to keep me company while I'm not driving and also to have something to do while I'm basking in the glorious sunlight. :)

I can't wait to get back though. I've met, well started talking to an old friend of mine again. We went out on a date this past Monday and things went well. He's in the Army and has been for the past 10 years. It's actually how we met. But we talked about me joining the Air Force and the more we talked the more I realized it is something that I want to do. So when I get back from my week long vacation I'm going to sit down and have a talk with my parents and let them know that I am joining as an Officer in the United States Air Force. And then it's off to the recruiting office to sign up. Somehow, deep down, I always knew I was going to end up in the military. I just never gave it real thought until recently. And I can thank my ex, Kyle, for that. My love for him will never diminish, but will always have a place to call home in my heart. I can honestly say that he was the first man I ever truly loved and that I will always thank him for allowing me to know what love is. But it's time to pick myself up and move on with my life.

:)

Well I actually have the day off from both jobs. Lot's of cleaning to do since I'm rearranging my room. But I'm taking a break from all of that to write to Kyle and to contact a recruiter for the Air Force. I've been thinking about joining for a while now, but haven't ever had the courage to just go and talk to someone who is actually in the Air Force. So I went online to look for the nearest recruiters office and I'm going to give them a call before heading over. Just to set up a meeting more or less. I love a Marine and my family is full of military personnel it only seems right to join. I'll get to meet new people, get to see new places all the while serving my country.

I love you KDK. I'm sorry about the loss of a great man in your life. Your Grandpa is smiling and looking down and after you. He will always be with you in your heart and in your mind.

Rambling

I got my first tattoo today. I will admit that it hurt a lot and that I'm not getting another one.

The Trinity Knot represents my Irish background and the musical clefs depict my love for music and that it takes two entities to create harmony not just in music but in love as well.

I'll admit it hurt like crazy! I'm content with one. 

My Gladiolas are blooming! They just brighten up my day when I see them. 

17 more days and I'm beach bound! I cannot wait to finally get the chance to just relax and enjoy life for a week. "No shoes. No shirt. No problems." Kenny Chesney had the right idea all along. I can just leave all the stress and worries here in good ol' PA and enjoy the sun and sand and good company in the Outer Banks. The house is beautiful with both the ocean and the sound surrounding us. 

Ocean.... 

House with the sound behind it. 


Sigh.... How I long to be there right now, just listening to the sound of the waves crashing into the shore and watching the sunrise out over the ocean from off the balcony of the house. Or see the wild life just going about their business before everyone wakes up and crowds the beaches and the water.

Always and Forever

My Gladiolas are starting to bloom! I'm so excited to soon be able to gather them up and place them periodically throughout the house!

My sketches of  the painting I'm attempting to do. Now all I have to do is recreate them onto the same canvas...

Today has been just one of those days. Since you told me good-bye my days have been long and never ending. And my nights have been no better. I still smile and my heart still quickens when I see your name pop up on my phone. ... I heard from you today. You told me you're grandpa's dying. My heart bleeds for you and your family. I just wish that I could somehow make you see this. To somehow make it known that I'm still here by your side patiently waiting for you to come back. I told you as much, that I'm always here for you no matter what. Whether you believe me or not is up to you. I still love you and I always will. I consider you and your family a part of mine and it hurts me to know that you're hurting and that I can't do anything to help ease the pain. You, as you are, are my first and only true love. My heart is forever yours, and has been since the day we met. I love you KDK Always and Forever.

Live Laugh Love

Live with Courage. Courage to do whatever it takes to make you the person you are inside and out. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Have the courage to be you no matter what people say or think, and to have the courage to stand up for what you believe in.
Love with Faith. Love with the faith that you are loved in return. That one day you will find that person who will love you and will stand by you not only at your best but at your worst as well. Have faith in love. Love is a matter of  the heart. Trust in it don't be afraid to fall. If you have faith in the person you love you know that he or she will be there to catch you.
Laugh with Hope. Laugh whenever it's convenient, at all things, and hope for the best to come out of every situation. Have hope in your dreams. Hope that they will one day come true. And if they don't just laugh it off and find a new dream to hope in.

KDK I love you Always and Forever.

New Painting? Maybe...

I'm using both of these pictures in my next painting. I've been listening to Josh Groban a lot this past week and his song Lullaby has been on repeat at night time. The lines "Hush now baby don't you cry/Rest your wings my butterfly/Peace will come to you in time/And I will sing this lullaby" are what inspired my idea. Here's hoping that it actually works and turns out like I envision it to.

Still Holding On

It's been a week since you said good bye.

I thought you never wanted to hear me cry.

The tears I shed I shed at night

No one can see me loose this fight.

My heart still beats only for you

I wish that you could feel it too.

The distance and the hours make this

The hardest thing to do,

But nothing can keep me from

Loving you.

You have my heart.

You have my soul.

You have everything

That makes me whole

I have nothing left to give.

I'm an empty shell of who I used to be.

Books give me comfort

When nothing else will do,

But then I read one and there you are

Saying I'm not in love with you.

I'll read the poems new and old

Hoping for a different response,

But between the lines there you stand

And all I see is you.  

Your handsome face, your gorgeous eyes,

That smile that melts my heart. 

The tears start falling 

And your name escapes my lips. 

There is nothing I can do

For I'm still holding on to you.

... I love you KDK Always and Forever.

New to this...

I'd love to someday have a book or two or more published, but it's the getting there that's the hard part. I've been writing poetry for the past 9 years and as of late I've been dabbling at writing a story. It all started off as a dream and it's just progressed from there. I'm thinking of calling it Envy, but I'm not sure. Here's the summary of what I'm writing about.

"Best friends since birth Lilly Wood and Kierra Rivers venture off to Italy for an extended vacation. Enjoying the serenity of the surrounding area, nothing could ruin this perfect vacation…

            College graduates Riley Anderson and Justin Bailey set out to see what the world has to offer before settling down and finding jobs within the States. They did not expect to find themselves faced with the peril of life and death within their hands" 

 I'm hoping it turns out well. It's already been a year in the making, between working two jobs and looking for a full time job I haven't really had the time to just sit and write. I know I should make the time to do so, but it's hard to do. 

Here's hoping for a better night than last night. Sleep just evaded me pretty much all together. It didn't help that it stormed like crazy either. Then again storms normally put me to sleep, so I'm not entirely sure why it didn't this time around. Well I guess it's time to finish this Chamomile tea and blow out the candles and snuggle up in his sweatshirt for the night. Good night and sweet dreams. I love you KDK Always and Forever.